I remember sitting at a small restaurant near the Jimeta Market in Yola, listening to my friend Hauwa complain for the hundredth time about how her colleagues at the ministry never appreciated her efforts. She went on and on about feeling invisible and undervalued. But as I watched her speak rudely to the young Fulani boy serving our rice and beans, dismissing his polite explanations about the slight delay, something clicked for me.
Hauwa was expecting respect and kindness from her coworkers while treating people around her poorly. She wanted people to listen to her ideas while she constantly talked over others during our conversations. I realized I had been doing something similar in my own life.
Growing up in Yola, I always heard my mother say that Allah rewards those who sow good seeds. But somehow, I had convinced myself that this rule didn’t apply when it came to relationships and expectations. I wanted people to invest in me, support my dreams, and treat me with consideration. Yet I rarely examined whether I was giving these same things to others. 
The wake-up call came during my National Youth Service Corps year right here in Adamawa State. I was posted to a secondary school in Mubi and felt frustrated because my supervising teacher didn’t recognize my potential. I complained to anyone who would listen about being given basic lessons to teach instead of meaningful responsibilities. I expected mentorship and guidance but realized I had never shown initiative or asked thoughtful questions about effective teaching methods.
Instead of continuing to sulk, I decided to try something different. I started adding value to myself and the school. I arrived early to prepare creative lesson plans and stayed late to help students who were struggling. I volunteered to organize the school’s debate club and asked my supervisor how I could better support the other teachers. I began reading education journals and sharing useful teaching techniques with my colleagues.
The change was remarkable. Within two months, my supervisor started assigning me senior classes and invited me to participate in curriculum planning meetings. Other teachers began seeking my advice on engaging difficult students. I was no longer the complaining corps member in the staff room. I had become someone worth investing in because I was actively investing in myself.
This experience taught me that expecting from others what you don’t give is like planting thorns and expecting beautiful flowers to bloom. It simply doesn’t work that way. If you want people to be interested in your life, you need to be genuinely interested in theirs. If you want support during difficult times, you need to be the type of person who shows up for others when they’re struggling.
After my service year, I got a job with a development organization here in Yola and applied this lesson to every area of my life. In my romantic relationships, I stopped expecting emotional availability from partners while being emotionally distant myself. Instead of waiting for someone to plan exciting dates, I started suggesting creative activities like visiting the Lamido’s palace or taking evening walks along the Benue River.
At work, instead of expecting my supervisor Musa to notice my efforts, I began documenting my achievements and proactively communicating my value to the organization. I stopped waiting for colleagues to invite me to professional workshops in Abuja and started organizing training sessions for our local team.
The results were transformative. My relationships became deeper and more fulfilling because I was contributing to their growth. My career accelerated because I was actively building valuable skills rather than just showing up and expecting recognition.
I learned that adding value to yourself isn’t about becoming selfish or ignoring others’ needs. It’s about developing the tools, skills, and character that make you genuinely useful to the people around you. When you’re constantly learning and growing, you have fresh perspectives to offer friends and colleagues.
Many of us, especially in our generation, fall into the trap of waiting for others to fill the gaps in our lives. We expect friends to entertain us, expect employers to motivate us, and expect family members to make us feel successful and loved. This approach leads to constant disappointment because other people have their own lives and challenges to manage.
I started reading more books, not because someone told me to, but because I wanted to have interesting things to discuss when I met friends like Ibrahim and Aisha for suya at the evening market. I began learning new skills like grant writing and project management because I wanted to be indispensable at work. I worked on my communication style because I wanted to be the type of person others enjoyed talking with.
The most beautiful part of this journey is that when you focus on adding value to yourself, you become less desperate for validation from others. You stop keeping score of who called first or who suggested the last visit to Ribadu Square. You give from abundance rather than taking from scarcity.
Now when I meet people like Hauwa, I understand their frustration, but I also see the solution clearly. You cannot expect people to pour into an empty cup. You have to fill your own cup first through continuous self-improvement, skill development, and character building.
During Ramadan this year, as I reflected on personal growth and self-accountability, I challenged myself to be the person I want to attract. If I want loyal friends, I practice loyalty. If I want professional opportunities, I build professional competence. If I want respect, I treat others with respect consistently, whether they’re the Governor or the mai ruwa selling water on the street.
The truth is simple but powerful. When you add value to yourself consistently, the world responds differently to you. People want to be around valuable people. They want to support those who are also supporting others.
Stop waiting for people to give you what you haven’t given yourself.